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Get Him to the Greek

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Get Him to the Greek is a 2010 road comedy. It is a semi-sequel to 2008's Jason Segel written Forgetting Sarah Marshall, a spin-off elaborating on Russell Brand's character Aldous Snow, lead singer of fictional band Infant Sorrow, now escorted by Jonah Hill's character, formerly Matthew Van Der Wyk (a waiter of the preceding film), now playing Aaron Green; (an A&R scouter of Pinnacle Records) to perform a 20th anniversary concert at the Greek Theatre in Los Angeles, albeit with heavily frequent setbacks and misadventures.

Directed by Nicholas Stoller and co-written with Jason Segel.
Aaron Green has 72 hours to get a Rock Star from London to LA. Pray for him. (taglines)
From the director of Forgetting Sarah Marshall and the producer of Knocked Up and Superbad (taglines)

Aldous Snow

[edit]
  • [after Aldous sees Sarah Marshall on TV] Didn't I have sex with her once? [Pauses and leans towards the television screen] Yeah, yeah I did.
  • I was watching the news one day and I saw footage about, uh, war, and I think it was in Darfur, or Rwanda, or Zimbabwe, or one of 'em, and I thought, 'this isn't right, is it?' And I made some phone calls and it turns out, it isn't.
  • [to Aaron]Your brain is full of lollipops, rainbows, and cheese.
  • I'm like an African white space Jesus. That's not for me to say though.
  • [Jiggling a hooker's breasts] It's better than Christmas!

Dialogue

[edit]
[Aldous is in a music video taking place in a gun battle in an African village]
Aldous: [Singing] I have crossed the mystic desert. To snap pictures of the poor. I've invited them to brunch. Let them crash out on my floor. There's sunshine in my veins My kitchen's filled with flies. I'm crying out in vain Like a little African child. Trapped in me. There's a little African child trapped in me. All of these blowjobs in limousines. Why do they matter, what do they mean. To the little African child trapped in me?
Zoe: This is Zoe Salmon, and I'm on the set of international rock star Aldous Snow's new music video, African Child.
Aldous: I was watching the news one day and I saw footage about, well, a war in I think it was Darfur or Zimbabwe or Rwanda, one of them. And I just thought, "This isn't right, is it?" And I made some phone calls. It turns out, it isn't.
Zoe: Aldous' longtime girlfriend and mother of their son, Naples, model pop star Jackie Q.
Jackie: He's really passionate. He's never been to Africa, but he's really passionate about it. And about, like, potentially going there.
Aldous: When they were putting together this costume, I said, "Imagine an African, white Christ from space." And this is what they came back with, an African, white space Christ. That's how it... Well, that's just the concept, you know. Obviously, I'm not saying I'm an African, white space Christ. That would be... That's not for me to say. That's for other people... That's for other people to say if they think I'm... They think I'm like Jesus. [Sings] Ride me inside me supertight. Boom boom. Shake the room like it's dynamite. Ride me inside me supertight. Boom boom. Shake the room like it's dynamite. Ride me inside me supertight. Boom boom Shake the room like it's dynamite.
Zoe: Jackie, you've had multiple hit singles, an amazing modeling career, and your very own perfume line. How do you find balance with your family life?
Jackie: Naples is a darling.
Naples: Really cool!
Jackie: He's so gorgeous. And Aldy's the best father.
Zoe: What do you love most about Aldous?
Jackie: I just love his energy and insight. The way he says my name and...
Aldous: Jackie. Oh, don't.
Zoe: You have a huge album coming out right now, African Child. Everyone is so excited about it. You must be, too.
Aldous: When people look back at musical history, they'll say, "Sergeant Pepper, African Child." That's what they'll probably say. [Sing] Trapped in me...
...
Brooke: Jackie, Aldous, welcome back to Showbiz Tonight. Great to see you! How are things going, Aldous?
Aldous: Fantastically. To tell you the truth, Brooke. I'm happy in a way I didn't think was truly possible for me.
Brooke: Great. And you, Jackie?
Jackie: I'm actually a bit bored, you know. We've been sober now seven years together. And it's been a real adjustment for me, you know, the difference in lifestyle. You know, he works out all day getting every part of his body really hard. Except one part's missing, you know? One part. I think that through all that...
Aldous: Jackie. Have you been drinking today?
Jackie: I've had a few fucking drinks, yeah. Just a few drinks.
Aldous: Yeah.
Jackie: But that... You know, whatever. You know, arrest me. But it's really boring.
Aldous: Jackie. Jackie.
Jackie: [To the hostess] The old Aldous would have, you know, had his way with you. Would've bent you over that pretty little chair and had his way! And now we'd be having a three-way! You'd be coming over for a cognac later, I'll tell you that, sweetie! But that's not happening anymore!
Aldous: Do you want me to start drinking again?! Is that what you'd like?! Do you want to return to that?!
Jackie: Maybe you should!
Aldous: I'll do lines off her forehead while I'm in her up to my nuts! If that's what you want! I'm just saying!
Mario of Extra: [To viewer] Tell you what, time to invest in Jack Daniel's, 'cause Aldous Snow is off the wagon!
Song lyrics: [Aldous is partying with P!nk] Drinking gin at half past 5:00. Chatting up the bird with the dodgy eye, I vomit Jager on her pasty thighs Do a runner when her fella arrives Drop the pills, I'm off me crust. Meet the lads, I'm coming up
Billy Bush of Access Hollywood: The misbehaving singer appeared on MTV News this weekend to leak some exciting info.
Aldous song lyrics: [Repeatedly over montage of antics] Let's get fucked..., let's get fucked up on the town...
Voiceover: Aldous Snow's father and former manager, Jonathan Snow, has written a tell-all book.
Jonathan: Well, I managed Aldous for the first two years of his career.
Aldous: Yeah, he managed me while I was in his testicles! The minute he ejaculated, the management ended! No, I don't fucking miss it! I'll show you what it's like!
Voiceover: Yeah, you're watching Aldous Snow on TMZ!
Aldous song lyrics: [Repeatedly over montage of antics] Let's get fucked..., let's get fucked up on the town..., let's have fun..., let's have fun up on the town..., called a cab, back to mine. Same routine every time.
Aaron: Okay, I'm up. I'm up! Hey, Daph', how was work?
Daphne: I can't talk. Too tired.
Aaron: Is that blood on your scrubs?
Daphne: Probably. This guy's heart just went, like... It was like; something out of Saw.
Aaron: You want me to get you an Ambien?
Daphne: Oh, God, no. I have to be back there at noon.
Aaron: At noon? That sucks, babe, I'm sorry.
Daphne: Mmm-hmm. It's okay, sweetie. It's not your fault.
Aaron: Okay. [Referring to background relaxation music] What do you want? Whale, wave or mountain stream?
Daphne: All of them. Really loud.
Aaron: There you go.
Daphne: Thank you, sweetie, I love you.
Aaron: You're welcome.
Daphne: I got you an eggy thingy. I took a bite out of it and it's kind of cold, but it's still good.
Aaron: Thank you.
Daphne: You're welcome.
Aaron: You want to tape ourselves having sex for two hours before I go to work?
Daphne: You're so funny. I love you.
Aaron: No? Are you sure? I've always wanted to have sex with the Lone Ranger and the Hamburglar.
Daphne: No, I'll see you tonight.
Aaron: Okay. Have a good day.
Daphne: I love you, Aaron, so much.
Aaron: Good night. You're funny.
...
[Aaron is driving to Pinnacle Records corporate]
Song lyrics: Oi! I'm a love dealer. You want to score. I'll give you my number. So give me a call. You're looking so lonely. There's no need to be. Let me introduce you to my family.
Aaron: [To Matty approaching his desk] What's up? How's it going?
Matty: What's up, man? I went to that Jay-Z listening party last night.
Aaron: Was it crazy? Was it insane? Was the album incredible?
Matty: I don't know. I got there late. But there was this sweet after-after-party back at Jay-Z's house. It was insane. I ate cheese off some girl's titties.
Aaron: Just lie to me and tell me it wasn't the best night of all time.
Kevin: Yeah, it was, man. That party was dope.
Matty: Yeah. Dude, I used Jay-Z's bidet.
Kevin: Yeah. We went into their bathroom. Jay-Z and Beyoncé have these two bidets right next to each other, so they can sit there and hold hands while they get their bungus's cleaned out.
Matty: Jigga Man's bidet.
Kevin: Did you hear? Killtown Records just fired 80% of their employees.
Matty: So what? I'm safe.
Jazz producer: I'm safe. I'm in the jazz game.
Aaron: Sergio doesn't even know your name.
Jazz producer: Good. I'm like background noise. Just like jazz. Let me put it like this, little boys, [points to Kevin] replaceable, [points to Matty] replaceable, [points to Aaron] replaceable, [gestures to himself with flair] jazz...
[All record executives are in a meeting in Sergio's office to be lambasted over their chronic lack of success]
Sergio: We gotta thicken our revenue stream! We gotta thicken our fucking stream! We gotta thicken the fuck out of that stream right now! Shit is serious out here! The music business is failing! The bubble done pop! [Someone's phone rings and everyone looks around and Aaron looks at the Jazz producer's to get him to admit it] Whose phone is that?
Jazz producer: It's my phone, man.
Sergio: That's your phone?
Jazz producer: It's mine, yeah.
Sergio: Answer it.
Jazz producer: Definitely. [Answers phone] What's up, bro? Yeah. No, I can't talk right now. Yeah, he's actually staring at me, he's really pissed right now. Swear to God, I'm not joking, man. Yeah, 6:30. I gotta go right now, though. Bye. I apologize about that.
Sergio: Throw that phone out of my office!
Jazz producer: Please don't make me do that.
Sergio: Throw that fucking phone out of my office!
Jazz producer: Right on. [He complies]
Sergio: Y'all think this meeting is for me. No. No, this meeting is not for me. It's for y'all! See, see, I'm gonna be all right. I'm straight. I got villas in Brazil, Tahiti, East Hampton, Westhampton. Sergio gonna be fine! Fuck the recession. I own 20 Koo Koo Roos!
Kali: Twenty-one, sir.
Sergio: I own 21 Koo Koo Roos. Y'all don't own one Koo Koo Roo. Not one. Not one. Y'all are fucked!
Bodyguard: You all are [in a high pitch] fucked!
Sergio: He's not wrong. Everyone loves chicken. I'm doing fine. Please, people, help me help you. Who's first?
Matty: Me first, Sergio. There's this Taiwanese phone company, TEC, it's got great valuation, it's a steal, dude. We buy that shit, we're not just selling the ring tones, we're selling the fucking hardware, bitch.
Sergio: Does this look like a telephone company to you? We make records here. This is not Cingular Wireless. Anybody here know anything about Cingular's wireless broadband, any of that fucking phone shit?
Matty: No.
Sergio: Well, you know something, you should. Don't be proud of your ignorance. Now tell me something good.
Matty: I just discovered the next Alicia Keys. I swear to God above, I can vouch for her.
Sergio: The next Alicia Keys.
Matty: Yeah.
Sergio: What was your last discovery?
Matty: Chocolate Daddy.
Sergio: I couldn't hear you. What'd you say?
Matty: Chocolate Daddy.
Sergio: Yeah, Chocolate motherfucking Daddy. He discovered Chocolate Daddy. How much did Chocolate Daddy sell?
Matty: Fifteen thousand units.
Sergio: Fifteen thousand units. I'm proud of every unit. I'm proud of those units.
Matty: I'm telling you, this girl is...
Sergio: Shut the fuck up.
Matty: This girl...
Sergio: Don't talk.
Matty: She got a...
Sergio: Shut the fuck up, man. Please.
Matty: [Kevin mouths "Don't talk to him, please] I'm not gonna talk anymore.
Sergio: Shut the fuck up! Fifteen thousand units! You made me vouch for Chocolate Daddy! Fifteen thousand units! I got six fucking kids! You know how much money that is to put them through school? You know how many Air Jordans six black kids wear? I'm sorry for my outburst. I'm having a panic attack right now. [Motions to Aaron] You. What you so quiet for?
Aaron: Just thinking of ideas.
Sergio: That's what we need. We need ideas. Share. Share with the group.
Aaron: Okay. Next month is the 10-year anniversary of Aldous Snow Live at the Greek Theatre, which is one of the highest selling live albums of all time. And if we did some sort of anniversary concert, I did the figures, and it can generate millions of dollars in revenue.
Sergio: So you think one show is gonna change our game.
Aaron: Well, we simulcast on HBO, Facebook. We charge them each a million bucks to co-sponsor the event. And that'll jump-start sales of his back catalog, which we can re-release, re-master, with additional tracks and a live DVD of the concert.
Sergio: Come on. We need a game changer. And Aldous Snow is not it.
Aaron: Aldous Snow is one of the last remaining rock stars.
Sergio: With all due respect, maybe a game changer's not what we need.
Aaron: He's a real musician, and we have a chance to make real music, and that's how we can succeed. And personally, I think it would kick ass to see him play live again. That's why we're all in this business, right? To... 'Cause we're fans?
Sergio: That's really nice. Now I need y'all to listen to something that's a game changer. Play that shit. [Starts playing Infant Sorrow rap song with vulgar lyrics and all staff starts dancing in seats] This is a game changer right here.
Aaron: Hey.
Daphne: Hi.
Aaron: Hi.
Daphne: I'm so tired. Oh, my God.
Aaron: You look pretty.
Daphne: Thank you! It was such a crazy day. I can't wait to watch, like, a hundred hours of Gossip Girl.
Aaron: Me, too.
Daphne: Yay!
Aaron: Or instead of that, we could go see The Pixies and The Mars Volta play a show.
Daphne: I don't think I can do it tonight. I have to be back at the hospital at, like, 6:00 a.m. And who's Mars Volta, again?
Aaron: Oh.
Daphne: I don't think it's worth me being tired over. Just stay and watch Gossip Girl with me.
Aaron: Okay, well, then if you fall asleep, then I get to go to the concert?
Daphne: If you stay, I'll have sex with you.
Aaron: I feel like you're blackmailing me with your genitals. That's not fair.
Daphne: Well, then do it to me.
Aaron: Listen, if you don't go to that concert, you don't get any of my penis tonight.
Daphne: I think I'm gonna stay home. Doesn't work with the penis.
Aaron: No, it's not fair. Blackmail does not work with the penis. It doesn't work.
[Aaron is in Sergio's office with just him watching Aldous concert footage]
Song lyrics: Inside you are the stars unfurled. I've crossed me heart and I've crossed the world. And I need you here. And I need to be inside you. Inside you Inside you. There's got to be some part of me inside you.
Sergio: Aldous Snow wants to do the show. He's interested and available.
Aaron: Really?
Sergio: I want you to go to London and pick him up. Then I want you to take him to New York to the Today Show to make the announcement about the concert. Then bring him back here for the show at the Greek.
Aaron: Are you... Are you serious?
Sergio: Don't smile like that. It makes you look like an 8-year-old boy who just discovered his first boner.
Aaron: I don't have one, so...
Sergio: This is your fucking moment! You only get one moment in life. It's not hiding in some cubicle, answering some fucking phone. Can you handle it?
Aaron: Yeah. I can handle the moment.
Sergio: An artist is the slipperiest, most conniving motherfucker on the face of the earth. That's why you have to watch your tushie while, at the same time, you make them feel like a star. It's called mind fucking. You've been mind-fucked before?
Aaron: I don't think so.
Sergio: I'm mind-fucking you right now.
Aaron: You are?
Sergio: Can't you feel my dick fucking your mind?
Aaron: No, I can't really feel anything.
Sergio: See? That's it. That's the art of it. I'm mind-fucking the shit out of you.
Aaron: Well I hope you're wearing a condom cause I have a dirty mind. That was a joke.
Sergio: This is no time to joke. Mind fucking is not no joke. You have to mind fuck Aldous Snow. He's a drug addict, Aaron. You have to show him balance. People want to see him fucked up, but they don't want to see him too fucked up. If this is fucked up and this is sober, right here, that's the perfect balance right there. Not here. Right here. Okay. Do you like his music?
Aaron: I love his music. Except for African Child. That album sucked.
Sergio: No. No. No. You love African Child. Your mother loves African Child. It's your girlfriend's favorite album. You love African Child. You bought 10 copies on the first day.
Aaron: Okay. Yeah, I love African Child. So lie to him.
Sergio: No. We don't lie to people. We don't do that. We just believe in valid truths.
Aaron: Okay. Do you like African Child?
Sergio: Hell, fucking no. It was the most racist, condescending shit ever made. What the fuck you calling me? A house nigger? Do I look like African Child?
Aaron: I don't... No.
Sergio: You just called me a fucking house nigger.
Aaron: No. I don't think you're a house N-word. No. I wasn't...
Sergio: No, I don't like fucking African Child. But if he asks me if I like African Child, I love that shit! I play that shit in my fucking sleep. I wake up to it and I brush my teeth to it. I love African Child.
Aaron: Okay. I got it.
Sergio: But, no, I don't love African Child. Don't ever ask me that fucking question again.
Aaron: Okay. I understand.
Sergio: From the minute you touch down in London, you have 72 hours to get Aldous Snow to the Greek Theatre in Los Angeles. Do you understand me?
Aaron: Yes. Definitely.
Sergio: Your job is to control your artist. If he's too messed up you hit him with this adrenaline needle.
Aaron: You mean like from Pulp Fiction?
Sergio: Your flight leaves in three hours from LAX. Please, do a good job.
[Aaron has arrived at Daphne's hospital and is led by a colleague to Daphne sleeping in a chair]
Aaron: Where is she?
Colleague: Right there.
Aaron: Hey.
Daphne: Hi, sweetie.
Aaron: I have amazing news. Let's go get some coffee.
Daphne: I think I was asleep.
Aaron: [Waves hand over her face to make eyes shut] Go back to sleep. I'll carry you to coffee, okay?
Daphne: [She smiles and laughs] You're funny.
Aaron: You're funny.
Daphne: You're funny.
...
[Aaron and Daphne are seated at a table in the cafeteria]
Aaron: Sergio was just so awesome. He was like, "You got one moment, and here's your moment." And it was like 8 Mile. You know? And he's letting me do this! I mean, I get to spend one-on-one time with Aldous Snow. Aldous Snow! I mean, how awesome is that?
Daphne: Wow, that's awesome.
Aaron: I feel like I have all these ideas for his sound specifically. You know, I could help resurrect the guy's career.
Daphne: You know? I mean, it's incredible. It's, like, my dream. I have some kind of big news, too. I got offered a residency, a place in a residency program, at East Seattle General. So, if I rank it first, then I can get matched there, which is pretty good.
Aaron: Like Seattle, Seattle?
Daphne: Yeah. It's really, really nice there. And it's a bigger staff, so they have better call schedules, so we could actually spend some time together. It's so nice! I'm sorry.
Aaron: You want to... You want to... You want to move to Seattle?
Daphne: Well, yeah. To work in the hospital. To work in the hospital there, yeah.
Aaron: What am I gonna do in Seattle?
Daphne: Oh, my God, there's tons of music stuff in Seattle. Nirvana! Nirvana came from Seattle.
Aaron: Can you not see how it's a little alarming that you've just decided that I'm moving to Seattle? Do you have an extra scalpel? Do you want to cut my balls off and put them in your pocket so you don't just metaphorically own them, you can physically hold them in your pocket? I mean, I feel like a '50s housewife right now. Like my dreams don't count.
Aaron: You're like Michael Jackson's dad. You're abusing me right now.
Daphne: Okay. You know what? We should just... We're gonna table this. We're gonna table it because I can't... Guess what. Just on a side note, I had an idea today.
Aaron: You're moving to Africa.
Daphne: Listen. You know how hard I've been working for this. You know I am killing myself in this internship. This hospital will be beautiful in Seattle, and it will be good for us. That's all I'm saying. I'm not trying to be hurtful. I'm just saying that I think it will be good for us, so we're moving to Seattle!
Aaron: I don't want to move to Seattle...
Daphne: We're moving! We're moving to Seattle.
Aaron: No. We're not moving to Seattle.
Daphne: Great. So maybe we should just take some time.
Aaron: Are you having your period or something?
Daphne: I'm sorry, what?
Aaron: Are you on your period or something?
Daphne: Are you fucking kidding me?
[Aaron knocks on door of Aldous's flat and Duffy the assistant greets him]
Duffy: Hey! Aaron Green, yeah? From Pinnacle.
Aaron: Hey, man! Hey! Yes.
Duffy: Okay.
Aaron: Oh, two. Right. [Kisses Duffy on both cheeks] Europe.
Duffy: Europe. Yeah. So, the Greek concert. In about three days?
Aaron: Three days.
Duffy: Yeah, Aldous is really excited. We all are. This is fantastic.
Aaron: I'm so ready!
Duffy: What?
Aaron: Cheerio!
Duffy: Great.
Aaron: I'm sorry, I'm nervous.
Duffy: Okay, come in, come in. Cool. He's gonna be a moment. Just go and wait for him outside on the terrace.
Aaron: I shouldn't have done that. [Admiring view of London skyline from patio] This is awesome.
Aldous: Hey! I'm Aldous Snow, the rock star.
Aaron: Oh, man! I mean, your place is great! This is gonna be so much fun. We're gonna travel together...
Aldous: Who are you, mate?
Aaron: I'm sorry. I'm Aaron Green.
Aldous: What are you doing in me house?
Aaron: I'm from Pinnacle. I'm here to take you to the 10-year anniversary show at the Greek.
Aldous: That's not for another two months. Mum?
Lena: Yeah?
Aldous: This joker's here to change the date of the Greek concert.
Lena: Why would they do that? Why would they do that?
Aldous: Duffy!
Duffy: Yeah?
Aldous: Remember that concert in Los Angeles?
Duffy: Yeah.
Aldous: It's supposed to be in two months, isn't it?
Duffy: Yeah, two months.
Aldous: Two months, right, exactly. They've changed it.
Duffy: What?
Aaron: We had spoken about it.
Aldous: I've never seen you before in my life. I don't like change. I don't like it when things change. It's unsettling, isn't it?
Lena: Would you like a biscuit?
Duffy: Or a lolly? Codeine?
Aldous: Mum, Duffy, just objectively, is this fair?
Lena and Duffy: No. No.
Aldous: It's not, is it? I'm not being unreasonable.
Lena and Duffy: No. No.
Aldous: He is. Yeah.
Lena and Duffy: Yes.
Aaron: Sorry I changed the date.
Aldous: Finally! Finally, he admits it. That's my bad. That's better. That's better that you've apologized, 'cause now we can start to rebuild. Duffy? Yeah? Get us a couple of lagers, mate.
Aaron: It really is so nice to meet you. I'm a lifelong fan. This lager hits the spot.
Aaron: We should probably get going if we're gonna catch that 6:00 p.m. Flight to JFK.
Lena: Aldy, by the way, whatever happened to Jackie? She was such a darling girl. She was so polite. I always liked her.
Aldous: Did you? I really liked Dad. Where is he?
Lena: Fuck off, Aldous. Your dad's a piece of shit moocher.
Aldous: You see how she talks about me dad? Imagine that.
Lena: Anyways, we really should get...
Aldous: He had a heart attack last month, my dad. Look how she mugs him off. Disgusting.
Lena: Well, if you like the bastard so much, why don't you go and visit him when you're in America?
Aldous: Perhaps I will. Perhaps I'll pop over and bond with him. You'd like that, wouldn't you?
Lena: Yeah, I'd love that.
Aldous: Cut you out of the equation, you old bag.
Aaron: We really... We should get going if we're gonna catch the flight.
Aldous: I'm only joking. I love you, Mummy. I'm your special little soldier, ain't I?
Lena: Yes, you are. You're my special little boy.
[In a pub drinking]
Aldous: To Bushmills!
Aaron: Wow.
Aldous: Cheers.
[Aaron is at a lunch with Aldous and his bandmates at an upscale hotel]
Aaron: Hey, so, Aldous, for the Today Show, they want to know what song you want to play.
Aldous: Say it was up to you, Aaron, what would you have me do?
Aaron: That's your call. You're the artist, you know, whatever you feel like playing. I'd be really interested, 'cause you're, like, a legitimate enthusiast. I'd like to know what you'd be into doing. If I had to choose, all-time favorite would be The Clap. That's a classic. You know, that's... That's, like, my childhood right there, you know.
Aldous: Okay. Well, I suppose the obvious choice is African Child, right?
Aaron: Yeah. Great tune. Yeah, I love African Child. The song's awesome. I brush my teeth to it, you know? I think maybe we should run to the airport right now, 'cause we're getting close.
Aldous: Change it to the next one. Should we get out of this bourgeois shithole?
...
[Aaron is drinking with Aldous and his bandmates at an outdoor patio]
Bandmate: I disagree with what you're saying!
Aldous: Bollocks! I disagree highly!
Aaron: Oh, no.
...
[Aaron is out in the streets with Aldous and paparazzi swarming]
Aldous: Hey, move into... Make Aaron famous. Aldous, here!
Aaron: Hey, look, the car service is here, with all the bags.
Aldous: Yeah, yeah, yeah. Change it to the next one.
Aaron: So we're going on the next one?
Aldous: This is why we delay flights. For this! [They walk into nightclub]
Aaron: [Walks up to Tom Felton of Harry Potter fame] What's up, man? Hey. I’m at a table in the back with Aldous Snow.
Tom Felton: [Unimpressed] Great.
Aaron: Feel free to bring Professor Snape. [pause] We’ll play some late night Quidditch.
Tom Felton: Just...leave it. [He walks away]
Aaron: Right? Not everyone cares. [Spots Aldous making out with a woman] Excuse me. Aldous. Hey. [Uses hands to separate woman's face from Aldous' face] Sorry. Excuse me. Sorry. Excuse me.
Aldous: What? What are you doing?
Aaron: I'm so sorry. Excuse me.
Aldous: What's this?
Aaron: Listen, hey, listen. It's just getting super close to that 12:00 a.m. Flight.
Aldous: Aaron. I don't... See them two girls? Just there? I want to fuck them two girls. Do you?
Aaron: Yeah, they seem awesome. They seem, like, cool. Sure. Why not? I don't want to think about that right now, man. That's cool. I just want to leave here, please.
Aldous: You're in a long-term relationship, right?
Aaron: No, just ended, actually. See, my...
Aldous: Brilliant! So, doesn't it make sense that we would stay here and have possibly the time of your life?
Aaron: Fuck!
Aldous: Okay. What'd you prefer, blonde or brunette? Blonde or brunette?
Aaron: I don't know.
Aldous: What was your ex?
Aaron: Brunette.
Aldous: Blonde it is.
Aaron: Here we go!
Aldous: Thank you. Cheers. Do you want to go to the loo for a minute?
Aaron: Why?
Aaron: [A hooker is hyper-vigorously riding Aaron in a washroom stall while repeatedly yanking the flush chain] Oh, yes! Oh, God. My butt's getting wet! My butt's getting wet! I'm falling in the toilet! I'm falling in the toilet! That was great. Awesome.
Aldous: Chase me! [They run down hallway] It's better than Christmas! [Aldous jiggles hooker's breasts in a taxi-cab]
Jackie: No, shut up.
Aldous: Go on, Aaron, give her both barrels!
Aaron: All right. Can you give me the key, please?
Aldous: I love you. We've seen not much of that today. Toss it! And there it goes. The hoop goes wide. Oh, no.
Aaron: We're fine. We got 35 minutes to catch an international flight.
Aldous: I wouldn't worry about it. Your mouth is smiling, but your eyes look all sad. Why?
Aaron: Do you mind driving faster, please?
Limo Driver in London: Would you like me to take the Chiswick roundabout through Hounslow and Staines?
Aaron: What is this, fucking Middle Earth? Just take us to the airport, okay?
Aldous: Come on!
Aaron: All right, sir.
Aldous: Run! Run! Run! Run! Just, try and keep up.
PA announcer: Final boarding call... Just keep up.
Aldous: Aaron. Aaron. Aaron, you're sleeping. Stop sleep. Aaron, you're asleep. You're asleep. You're asleep, Aaron. Here's your drink.
Aaron: My leg.
Aldous: Don't sleep so often. Cheers, mate.
Aaron: Thank you for waking me up.
Aldous: Why do you think people keep saying my music's shit?
Aaron: I don't think that's the case. Is it? Is that the case?
Aldous: Yeah, a lot of negativity. Lot of sniping and snidey remarks. People are, " Yeah, he's shit, he's a has-been, he's over, "he's in his greatest hits era." Don't listen to that shit.
Aaron: I love all your albums.
Aldous: Do you love the album African Child?
Aaron: Yeah, of course. I love African Child. It's awesome.
Aldous: Aaron. NME said that African Child was the most detrimental thing to happen to black culture since the Rodney King beatings.
Aaron: Are you serious? Yeah.
Aldous: I read in Rolling Stone that African Child came third behind famine and war as the thing that had been most damaging to African life.
Aaron: I find that hard to believe, but they say any press is good press, right? I mean...
Aldous: Come on, mate. You know, open up.
Aaron: It seems as if on your last album you kind of went in the studio and just did whatever the producer asked you to do.
Aldous: Right. Yeah, no, that's exactly... This is good.
Aaron: Aldous Snow needs to be two guitars, a bass and a drum kit and his incredible voice.
Aldous: Vocals, yes! Yes. And that's it. And that's what we want to hear. That's what I love.
Aaron: That's what all your fans love. It's just every artist has this one album that's just not good, and that's it. Honestly, I listen to that and I'm just like, "What is this piece of shit I'm listening to? Do I even know this artist? "What the fuck was he thinking?"
Aldous: Don't fucking talk to me like that, you little prick.
Aaron: I'm so sorry.
Aldous: In future, if someone asks you to give them a critique of their work, don't rip out their fucking gizzards and hold it in front of their face. What are you? What do you know?
Aaron: I'm sorry. Look, I don't know what I'm talking about.
Aldous: Yeah, what you did was very spiteful. But it was also very brave and very honest, and I respect you for doing that, but the content of what you said has made me hate you. So there's a layer of respect, admittedly, for your truthfulness, peppered with hate. Hateful respect.
Aaron: I'm sorry.
Aldous: It's over.
In-flight movie doctor played by Sarah Marshall: Scalpel! Now! But, Doctor!
Aldous: Hey, I think I used to have sex with her. Yeah, yeah. No, I did, I did.
Song lyrics: Love is blind Love is blind, love is blind
Aldous: Aaron. I haven't performed in three years, you know? I need a drink if I'm gonna do this show. I feel tired. I don't even want to do it.
Aaron: You'll do great. [To limo driver] We have, like, 14 minutes to get to the Today Show, so step on it.
Aldous: Aaron. Here's a photo of you being sick last night.
Aaron: And so it is. Who's this guy? He's really cute.
Aldous: That's Naples. My son. The only thing that makes me happy, the little twit.
Aaron: [Answers phone] Hey, Sergio.
Sergio: The 7:00 a.m. Flight! What the fuck? You have lost control of this shit. What you think? Hold on. [To Pharrell Williams] I mean, come on, player. Lose the pink, man. It's not gangsta.
Pharrell Williams: That's your problem, man. You always trying to be gangsta.
Sergio: What are you talkin' about? The name of the song is called I'm Gangsta!
Pharrell Williams: You're five zippers away from Thriller.
Sergio: And you're one shirt away from Carlton, motherfucker.
Pharrell Williams: Fuck off, Sergio.
Sergio: You can fuck me all you want, but you gonna change that goddamn pink. [To Aaron] Aaron, listen, your job is to keep him sober for the next 30 minutes.
Aaron: Hey, I feel like a little whiskey. Do you mind? [Aldous hands Aaron flask] Thanks.
Aldous: I'm not gonna wear this hat on the program, so whatever you do to my hair now is irrelevant.
Aaron: I kind of feel like getting a buzz on also. [Aldous hands Aaron joint] Do you mind?
Aldous: You enjoying yourself, mate? Goddamn. This ain't cool, what you're doing. 'Cause I need that for the show. This isn't cool.
Aaron: Don't be a bitch, dude. Let me get my smoke on.
Meredith: Economist Paul Krugman stops by to give us his take on the economy.
Aaron: Hey. I'm Aaron.
Studio assistant: Do you have any idea how late you are? You smell like a hobo.
Meredith: But first, our interview and performance from British rocker Aldous Snow. We'll be back right after these messages. And we're in commercial. Thanks, guys.
Aaron: Meredith! Hello, this is Aldous Snow. It is such a pleasure to finally meet you. I was getting a little worried. I know you changed your flights quite a few times. I didn't think you'd make it.
Aldous: I apologize for our tardiness. The culprit is this gentleman. He's Aaron Green. That's why we're late, because of him. Aaron! Hey. Come meet Meredith. Hey, Meredith. Oh, my gosh. It's lovely to meet you.
Aaron: My mom loves your shit.
Aldous: There, see? He looks after me.
Meredith: I am here with Aldous Snow of Infant Sorrow. Ready, one, take. Aldous, tough question. You were famously sober for many years. Now you are famously not sober. Are you on something right now?
Aldous: Yeah. You are?
Meredith: Yeah. Several things?
Aldous: I'm just mucking around, Meredith. I've never taken drugs.
Meredith: I have. I love them. Aldous, I'm worried about you.
...
Aaron: Are you Paul Krugman?
Paul: Yeah.
Aaron: My dad loves your shit.
Paul: Thank you.
Aaron: Hey, you're doing great, man! You're doing great. So good.
Aldous: I don't know the lyrics to African Child.
Aaron: You're funny as shit, man.
Aldous: I need you to get the lyrics. I'm serious. I don't know the lyrics. I can't remember what the lyrics are.
Aaron: They're, like, the most simplest lyrics ever.
Aldous: Are they, mate? What are they?
Aaron: Yeah... Across the mystic desert Is a desert that is mystic.
Aldous: No! That's not the lyrics.
Aaron: I don't know.
Studio hand: Thirty seconds. Thirty seconds.
Aaron: I will figure this out.
Aldous: Don't worry. You started this.
Meredith: I am here with Aldous Snow of Infant Sorrow. I understand that African Child was commercially disappointing.
Aaron: Who knows the lyrics to African Child? Who knows the lyrics to...
Meredith: ...artistically fulfilling. Yeah, but it was also critically disappointing.
Aaron: Yes. Hey, man. What's up? Do you know the lyrics to African Child?
Band member: I don't know the lyrics. I just pound the drum and do the Africa face.
Aaron: I need the lyrics to African Child! I need the lyrics to African Child! I guess I'm gonna. Okay, he's gonna sing.
Meredith: It is a wonderful day here in New York City. We are seconds away from Aldous Snow performing live out in Rockefeller Plaza.
Aaron: I can't... Sorry, Meredith! Oh, boy.
Meredith: And now, Aldous.
Aldous: Thank you. I'm Aldous Snow. And this is African Child. Oh, fuck. Take three. Can you hit the delay? Oh, shit. I'm sorry. I want to... Do you remember The Clap? Play The Clap. One, two, three, four! We got the clap. You got the clap. We cooked the rocks. You took the smack. Ah, yeah. We love you! We got the itch. You got the scratch. Burns, burns, burns. Like the head of a match. You took the front, I took the back. Ah, yeah. We got the clap. We got it.
Audience girl: [Aldous holds mike to her] I got the clap, ah!
Security man: [Aldous holds mike to him] I got the clap, too!
Aaron: [Aldous holds mike to him] I'm so shitfaced.
Meredith: What's going on?! My gosh!
Aldous: We got the clap! You got the clap! Wiped my face on the welcome mat! We got the clap! Can't be beat! Got it off the back of a toilet seat! Shake your hips! Mind your feet! We got the clap! We got it!
Meredith: Oh, no. Tell the West Coast, they gotta trim the balls. Ready, one, take.
Aldous: We got the clap, can't be beat! We got the clap! We're gonna be performing at the Greek Theatre in two days! See you there!
Aaron: Aldous! Aldous! Pandemonium! Oh, man! That was awesome! So cool! I enjoyed that!
Aldous: I couldn't have done it without you, do you know what I mean?
Aaron: The Clap! Great idea! You rocked that shit! It was amazing! It was crazy, man! That is so fucking crazy! Oh, man!
Aldous: Central Park is beautiful.
Aaron: Are you sure you should do that, man?! We're on our way to the airport!
Aldous: Let's go jogging! Come on, join in with me.
Aaron: No, I don't... this... you know...
Aldous: Please! For us, our friendship!
Aldous: Thank you. Thank you for that. I'll use it. I would grind that. I would ride the shit out of her. [Aaron's phone rings] Don't take it. Who is it? Sergio?
Aaron: Shit, it's Daphne.
Aldous: Worse.
Aaron: Hey, Daph.
Daphne: Hey, sweetie.
Aaron: What's up?
Daphne: Listen, I'm just calling 'cause I wanted to apologize. I just slept for, like, 20 straight hours and I'm feeling really bad, and I just wanted to say I'm sorry about what happened. I was out of my mind.
Aaron: Okay. Really?
Daphne: Yeah. Thanks. So, I'd like to make it up to you when you get back from your trip.
Aaron: Wait, what's up?
Daphne: I would like to make it up to you.
Aaron: Fun Daphne got us tickets to Radiohead. Wait, what's up?
Daphne: Can you hear me?
Aaron: I thought we broke up. You broke up with me, right?
Daphne: Aaron, we live together. We have a home together. How could you think we were broken up?
Aaron: Because that's what you said.
Daphne: You really think that we're broken up right now? What have you been doing?
Aaron: You know, you're so holier-than-thou about being a doctor. You know, just 'cause you're a doctor doesn't make you a good person. The Nazis have doctors, Daphne. They had Nazi doctors that fixed Nazi legs so they could walk around being angry, okay? So... What are you talking about?
Aldous: Aaron! Is it your girlfriend? Let me have a go. Aaron is very busy now. Press seven for fellatio. Here you go. Don't hang about.
Aaron: Hey, that was Aldous.
Aldous: You know, here's some medical advice from your Nazi doctor. Herpes is incurable. I labored under the myth of monogamy for seven years with Jackie and it was pointless.
Aaron: So you only slept with Jackie?
Aldous: No, I slept with other people but I always told her about it. Monogamy. I realize now my dad was just a realist. I used to be angry... All right, love. I used to be angry 'cause he abandoned me, but really, he was just being a realist. You can't remain in that situation.
Aaron: Your dad lives in, in Vegas, right?
Aldous: Mmm-hmm. That's right, yeah. He lives there, yeah.
Aaron: You should invite him... Your dad should... Nice. You should invite him to the show. You want me to get on that?
Aldous: I don't know if we really have that type of relationship, you know, me and my dad. He always wants something from me. It's a bad idea.
Aaron: Well, I'm sure he'd love to come see you perform.
Aldous: Let's put it this way. If I had a concert, my dad would come. He would come, like, five hours early and ask all the roadies what town they were from, and if he knew anybody from their town.
Aaron: He'd be proud.
Aldous: He's good. He's a good man.
Aaron: Yeah. Yeah. I hate to be a downer, but it's getting really late. We have a flight early in the morning. Do you mind if...
Aldous: Yeah, yeah, right. Hey, Aaron! Have you ever drunk w:absinthe|absinthe]], like from the 1900s?
Aaron: No.
Aldous: Picasso drank it. [To bartender] Oi! "Absinf-fuh"!
Aaron: All right, well, we'll take one shot and then we'll go back to the hotel?
Aldous: Just a little sip of naughty water, and we go back to the hotel. Simple.
[Aaron and Aldous then embark on city-wide mayhem spree of outright over-the-top insanity]
Sergio head hallucination: Aaron! You lost control, motherfucker. Stampin' on an African child!
Bespectacled bald man in BDSM gear: Do you like it when I whip you, Aldous?
Aaron: Why is Moby whipping us?
Sergio head hallucination: Whee! Whee! Look, I'm eating my own head. I accept your apology.
...
[Aaron pocket dials Daphne asleep]
Daphne: I accept your apology. Hello?
Aaron: He's the best. Hello? It's sort of like... I'm basically like his new producer or whatever. It's sort of like... I'm basically like his new producer or whatever. That is so amazing for you! Hello? Why are your boobs different sizes? 'Cause the left... I don't care either, Daphne. You live in Seattle, I'll fucking live in New York.
[Aldous is watching a home video of him and Jackie]
Aldous: Look how beautiful you are. Do you see how beautiful you are, Jackie? I like being so close. You're so beautiful. Jackie Q, Jackie Q, I love you Jackie Q. Fucking hell. Jackie Q, Jackie Q at the barbeque.
Jackie: You silly bastard.
Aldous: I love you. Why don't we make a sex tape?
Jackie: 'Cause I don't want to make a sex tape.
Aldous: Yes. Fucking hell. Come on, it'll be fun!
Jackie: Please, Aldous, come on. I will not call you.
Aldous: Let me marry you.
Jackie: Please, Aldous.
...
Aldous: [He calls her asleep in bed] Jackie?
Jackie: Is that you, Aldous?
Aldous: No, Aldous Snow has got better things to do first thing in the morning than call up an ex-girlfriend.
Jackie: What are you doing? Where are you?
Aldous: Just in our old flat, actually. In New York. You with anybody?
Jackie: Some affable nitwit.
Aldous: Where are you now, Jackie?
Jackie: Los Angeles.
Aldous: What are you doing?
Jackie: Sleeping next to Lars Ulrich.
Aldous: Lars Ulrich? From Metallica?
Jackie: Yeah. Why.
Aldous: What's Lars packing in the drumstick region?
Jackie: I can't tell you that right now. He's sleeping right next to me. What are you so interested in Lars for, Aldous? You jealous? I miss you, Aldy.
Aldous: I miss you. I miss you.
Jackie: I miss you.
Aldous: Listen, why don't you be a good girl and put the phone down next to your vagina, 'cause I need to talk to her. Hello? Is that Jackie's vagina?
Jackie: Hello, Aldous.
Aldous: All right. How are you? I've missed you.
Jackie: I'm very well, thank you. I've just come back from Brazil.
Aldous: What's the weather like?
Jackie: It's quite wet down there, actually.
Aldous: Fuck off.
Jackie: I really miss your cock, Aldous.
Aldous: I'm gonna come and see you, Jackie.
Jackie: I don't think you should, but I do, I really miss you, Aldous.
Aldous: I'm stuck here with a hard-on. I don't know what to do with it.
Lars: Hey, babe. Who's on the horn?
Jackie: It's Mum. She's just calling up from London.
Lars: Let me take care of this. Oi, Aldous. It's Lars.
Aldous: "I'm ashamed that you're with a drummer, Jackie. "I'd always dreamed that you would marry a front man. With charisma. Razzmatazz. Rough around the edges, but with stars in his eyes, you know."
Lars: Jackie, your mom kind of sounds like a Monty Python skit.
Jackie: Give me the phone back.
Lars: Okay. Okay, okay, sorry.
Jackie: Darling, I've gotta go, all right?
Aldous: I'll see you later. I'm coming to see you. Don't say anything else, all right? I gotta go. Bye.
...
Aldous: [To Aaron] Get up. I can't be here anymore now.
Aaron: Huh?
...
[In limo]
Aaron: I can't believe we're actually on time for a flight.
Aldous: [To chauffeur] Hey, can you pull over, mate?
Aaron: Actually, we, we have a flight to catch.
Aldous: Yeah, no, just pull over here off Linden. I want to get a pretzel. [Aldous mingles with shady-looking men who hand him a rubber-wrapped ball]
Aaron: Dude really wants a pretzel. He's not getting a pretzel is he?
Limo chauffeur: Not the kind you put mustard on. [Aldous comes back and gets in limo]
Aldous: Go, please.
[Aaron and Aldous are waiting in line at the airport]
TSA agent: Next in line! You two traveling together? Okay. You mind coming in back for a quick exam? Just come this way, please. Thank you.
Aldous: [Produces a red wrappered ball from his mouth and drops it into hand] I need you to put this into your bottom hole.
Aaron: What?
Aldous: Put this into your rectum.
Aaron: Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa! What the fuck, man? What are you doing? We're in the middle of the airport!
Aldous: It's a necessary part of your job, Aaron. Don't be complicated.
Aaron: I won't do it. I won't do it. No.
Aldous: Put it in! Relax your anus. Stop! Just stop! Aaron! If you don't do it, I ain't gonna do the concert. I'll just get on a plane and go back to London. The only logical thing to do in this situation is to put this deep in your asshole.
TSA agent: Please keep the line moving, sir.
Aaron: [Holds up phone] My phone is ringing.
Aldous: Your phone is not ringing.
Aaron: It's Sergio.
Aldous: It's not Sergio. There's no one there! Aaron, stop pretending to talk to Sergio! Right, mate. Hello!
Sergio: [Answers while at the fridge of his house kitchen and immediately shouts to sons jumping on couch in family room] Hey! The couch is not for jumping! [To Aaron] Aaron, my superstar. Great news. The concert sold out in 10 fucking minutes.
Aaron: Hey, so I'm having a possible health issue with the talent.
Sergio: What kind of health issue? His eyes ain't rolling to the back of his head, are they? [To wife] No. Babe! I don't see no string cheese! All I see is Babybels and chocolate pudding!
Sergio's wife: Baby, look in the dairy drawer! Next to the Go-Gurts.
Sergio: I don't see no Go-Gurts! You need to put these shits where I can see them.
Aaron: He wants me to put drugs up my ass. And I don't know what to do.
Sergio: Then you put the drugs up your ass.
Aaron: Please don't make me do that.
Sergio: This is the opportunity that you've been waiting for. You are now in the power position. You hold all the power in your ass.
Aaron: Isn't that enabling him?
Sergio: Yes, that's what we do. It's only a little bit of heroin in your ass. Nobody's gonna die. You know what you signed up for. [Hangs up and walks over to sons in family room] It's Biggest Loser time, it's Biggest Loser time, it's Daddy's favorite show It's Daddy's favorite show.
Aaron: Just give it.
Aldous: Aaron! Come on, mate, we ain't got all day. It's not recreational! It's not meant to be a hobby! Just get it up! Close the door behind you! Hurry up!
[Aaron and Aldous are seated in the gate departure lounge having miraculously eluded security interception]
Aaron: Why did you do this to me?
Aldous: Out of love.
Aaron: Are you sure you should be doing this stuff?
Aldous: Have you got an anti-drug message that you're gonna convey now?
Aaron: I just feel like it couldn't hurt to not be on heroin.
Aldous: Couldn't it? You know, I used to be sober. When I was sober, I was worried about, "Is this the twilight of my career? Is the mother of my child a cruel, evil, brilliant, savant, idiot genius?" You know, "Am I bringing up my kid the right way?" Now, I'm just worried about drugs.
Aaron: IYour life's to-do list must be a baffling document.
Aldous: You're worried about so many things, Aaron. You're worried about will we get to the show? Will I perform well? Will you get the credit that you deserve? Mine has on it but one word. Do you know what that word is?
Aaron: Oh, no. I have to sneeze.
Aldous: What?
Aaron: I have to sneeze. But I'm terrified that my bowels will evacuate if I do.
Aldous: If you sneeze, it is very important that you clench at the same time. Aaron.
Aaron: I'm gonna sneeze. I'm gonna clench and sneeze.
Aldous: Listen to me.
Aaron: Dude, I'm gonna clench and sneeze.
Aldous: Don't close your eyes. It's impossible to sneeze if your eyes are open. Open your eyes. You're being selfish.
Aaron: I'm gonna clench and sneeze.
Aldous: Is it still in?
Aaron: I think I broke a rib.
...
Aaron: Hello, to you.
Check-in agent: Hi.
Aldous: I'm just checking if flight 51 is on time.
Check-in agent: Let's see.
Aldous: Hello, gorgeous. That flight to Vegas left yet?
Check-in agent: Not yet.
Aldous: Well, stick us on that then, please.
Check-in agent: Two first-class tickets?
Aaron: No.
Aldous: Yeah. Yeah, switch us onto the Vegas flight, me and him.
Check-in agent: All right.
Aaron: No.
Aldous: I want to visit my dad.
Aaron: It was your idea. That's not what I meant. I meant after the show to see your dad.
Aldous: You didn't specify. He didn't specify.
Aaron: Yeah, well, I... You know, I did that special favor for you earlier. So, maybe you could return that favor and we could just go to LA.
Aldous: What favor?
Aaron: You know. The favor that I did earlier.
Aldous: My mind's a blank. Oh! He means the heroin.
Aaron: Nope.
Aldous: His bum's all full of heroin. He doesn't mean that.
Aaron: No, no, no.
Aldous: I'm a terrible drug addict. Mule!
Aaron: No.
Aldous: He's a mule!
Aaron: No.
Aldous: You're the devil.
Check-in agent: Perfect.
...
[Aaron and Aldous are airborne in the plane]
Aldous: All right, I want my package now.
Aaron: I'm not gonna give you the drugs until we're in Los Angeles, post-show.
Aldous: Just to clarify, are you saying you're withholding my narcotics?
Aaron: You made a huge tactical error and now I'm in control.
Aldous: Okay.
...
[Aldous is chasing Aaron around in an overly opulent hotel room]
Aldous: Are you ticklish?
Aaron: Okay, stop. Okay, stop.
Aldous: Give me the package.
Aaron: Seriously stop! Seriously stop! Seriously stop! Seriously stop! Seriously.
Aldous: I'll smoke you out.
[Aldous has restrained Aaron silhouetted behind a curtain veil and his arms deep in Aaron's pants]
Aaron: Seriously, seriously stop! What are you doing? Stop! No! No! Let go! You're crazy! No! No! No!
Aldous: Open up.
Aaron: No!
Aldous: Good girl. Wasn't painful, was it?
Aaron: No.
Aldous: In future, if you find yourself in a situation... What are you doing? [Aaron grabs the package ball, rips it open and stomps the contents around on floor] Get the fuck... You little wanker. I just need you to go and score for me, Aaron.
Aaron: We're in Vegas. I don't know peeps out here, you know?
Aldous: It's not a fucking game, Aaron! Don't put yourself between me and my problem or I'll fucking destroy you! Go on now! Why are you still here?! Why are you still here?!
Aaron: Just calm... Just calm down.
Aldous: It's not a joke! It's not funny! Spilling my narcotics, fucking me around! I need you to sort me out! You spilled my medicine! You need to remedy it! This is calm. Twenty minutes ago, I was even more calm when I had my fingers in your asshole. You don't want to wait around for another half-hour, son, 'cause I'll be fucking you up.
Aaron: I'll figure it out.
Aldous: Yeah, you will. Yeah.
...
[Aaron walks up to casino concierge Brian at receptionist desk]
Brian: Hi. Can I help you?
Aaron: Yes. I am trying to look up a friend of mine who's staying at the hotel. I don't know what room he's in.
Brian: Okay. What's the last name?
Aaron: It's spelled H...
Brian: Okay.
Aaron: ...E- R-O-l-N.
Aaron: Can you find that guest for me? Can you find that guest for me?
Brian: Okay, I see what you're doing. I don't think it's funny, to be honest with you. I mean, you come here, you ask me for, if somebody named Heroin has checked in the fucking hotel, 'cause you wanna buy drugs and that's how you do it? You pretend that it's the last name of a fucking guest? Are you out of your mind?
Aaron: I don't know. I just, just, just... I just... I'm looking for my friend Heroin. Do you know him?
Brian: Yeah, I do. He'll be out back of the Spice Market Buffet in 20 minutes.
...
[Aaron is riding in Brian's heavily modded vehicle with pounding techno music]
Aaron: I feel like I'm in 2 Fast 2 Furious.
...
Roommate: [Holds up knife] Yo, Brian, give me my money or I'm gonna stab you in the fucking stomach, all right?
Brian: Get out of my room, dude. What are you gonna do?
Aaron: What... I'm not, like, involved in this.
...
[Aaron is driving the vehicle with Brian holding his bloodied chest]
Brian: Oh, my God!
Aaron: Where is the hospital?!
Brian: You take a right on North Casino Way!
Aaron: Every street's called Casino Way!
...
[Aaron dumps Brian generally near the E.R. door and then runs away]
Brian: God, why didn't he take me all the way to the door?
...
[Aldous is watching a music video by Jackie Q in a music video]
Jackie: One, two, three, four. It's just like coming in the back door. Five, six, seven, eight. Feels great. A ring, a ring around my dirty posie. My rear pocket is so fit and so damn cozy. Ring, ring, ring around my posie. All the boys in town say I've the tautest of posies.
[Aaron enters]
Aaron: Aldous. I couldn't get what you wanted me to get. Sorry.
Aldous: Yeah, I forgot I asked you to do that. No, that's all sorted. Turns out, it's quite easy to get drugs in Las Vegas. Why do you look so flustered? All right, just change and we'll get going, shall we? Looking forward to seeing me dad.
Aaron: Thanks again for the suggestion.
Aldous: Great.
[Jackie Q in the music video]
Jackie: By posie, I'm talking about my asshole. Jackie Q!
[Aldous and Aaron walk into see a performance of a Rat Pack cover band]
Aldous: When Frank Sinatra moves his arm, you can see my dad. There. There! [Jonathan is playing a guitar as monotonously as ever]
...
[Aldous and Aaron having dinner with Jonathan and his wife]
Jonathan: What about... What was that fucking album you brought out last? It was... What was it? African something or Zambezi, or what was it?
Aldous: African Child.
Jonathan: Child. Child. Yeah, yeah, African Child. You should have stayed away from that one, I think. I think you should've aborted that child, eh? You got that? You know, mate?
Wife: I loved it.
Jonathan: She loved it, yeah. Yeah. She really did. No, she told me that she loved it.
Wife: Yeah? I loved it. So enlightening.
Jonathan: [Waitress has arrived with a tray of drinks] We didn't order these.
Waitress: These drinks are on the house.
Jonathan: Oh, really? Great. Thank you very much. Funny, isn't it? You get rich and then everything comes free.
Aldous: Yeah.
Jonathan: So what brings you to Vegas?
Aaron: Aldous wanted to visit you.
Aldous: No. No, we were just passing through. We were near.
Jonathan: Really?
Aldous: Actually, I've got a show at the Greek Theatre in LA.
Jonathan: Terrific! Terrific! Great!
Aaron: It's tomorrow, actually.
Jonathan: Really? Terrific!
Wife: We should go see that.
Jonathan: Well, I'm not sure I... No, I think I'm busy tomorrow night. I'm busy tomorrow.
Aldous: Don't worry about it. It's not set in stone or...
Aaron: It's actually very set in stone.
Jonathan: No, some of us have to work for a living, right? You know.
Aldous: Yeah, 'cause I remember I became a rock star as a result of winning a quiz show.
Aldous: What?
Jonathan: All right, all right. I'll check the schedule.
...
[Aldous, Aaron and Jonathan are in a strip club]
Aldous: Dad! I like it here.
Jonathan: Cheers, son. Yeah, I like to come here and clear my head. You remember that first strip club I brought you to?
Aldous: I do. Fondly. Very fondly.
Jonathan: So listen, what are you going to open with at the Greek?
Aldous: Love Explodes.
Jonathan: Really? I think you should open with Going Up. I love that fucking song. It's fucking genius. You know, it's a great thing to open with.
Aldous: I mean, getting them up, getting them, fuck, right there in the fucking palm of your hand right away. Going Up.
Sergio: [On the phone with Aaron while driving] You missed sound check, bitch! You know how much that's gonna cost us?
Aaron: I apologize. Look, things got out of control.
Sergio: But, hey, we're at The Standard now, so it's all fine, because we're all settled in and we're here. Guess what. I'm downstairs in the lobby. Why don't you come on down?
Aaron: You know what? Actually, Aldous just went to sleep. So I just think it'd be better if he just, like, got some rest. [Sergio appears behind him looking very annoyed] April Fools.
Sergio: I don't want to hear that shit. You fucked up.
Aaron: He doesn't do anything you want him to do! He's a crazy person!
Sergio: Okay, shut the fuck up and listen. There's a change of plans. I hope you got a good night's sleep. We going to party these pussy limey motherfuckers into the ground. They gonna be dying to leave Vegas. But we gonna have to mind fuck them. A deep mind fuck.
Aldous: [Calls across the strip club] Sergio!
Sergio: Aldous, hey! Have a drink with us!
Jonathan: Come join us!
Aldous: Whoo! Vegas!
Sergio: What's up, baby?
Aldous and Jonathan: Vegas! Vegas! Vegas! Join in!
Sergio: [To Aaron] Let's get our mind fuck on.
...
[Sergio is in a lounge area with Aldous and Jonathan]
Sergio: Now, the Rat Pack was the shit! Yes, those guys right there could croon! Whenever I would hear Frank or Dean or Sammy sing, shit would just warm my heart! You know, it just makes me fucking tingle!
Jonathan: It's nice, isn't it?
Aldous: Yeah, I feel that. I feel that, Sergio. Sometimes I think that I was Frank Sinatra in a past life, even though I was born before he died.
Sergio: No, I'm Frank Sinatra.
Jonathan: What? No. You? No. No. No, no, no. Sorry, mate. You can't be Frank! Can't be Frank. No.
Aldous: Yeah. I'm Frank.
Sergio: What you trying to say? I gotta be Sammy?
Aldous: Yeah.
Sergio: Why I gotta be Sammy? 'Cause I'm black, I gotta be Sammy Davis?
Jonathan: Well, you know... I look more like Frank than I do look like Sammy!
Aaron: Hey, so it looks like you got everything under control, so I might call it an evening.
Sergio: Sit your ass... Has he been acting like a bitch this whole time?
Aldous: Yes, he has. Yeah, he's been a right little bitch.
Sergio: What are you doing? You are representing Pinnacle. [Grabs an attractive stripper] Excuse me. Come here for a second. What's your name?
Destiny: Destiny.
Sergio: Destiny, this is Aaron. He's my personal attendant. He runs shit for me.
Destiny: Nice to meet you. Aaron. [She shakes his hand]
Sergio: Destiny. Destiny, pay attention. You are gonna go and have sex with Aaron. Right now.
Aaron: That's disrespectful.
Sergio: Aaron, go with your destiny.
Destiny: [Laughing] That's my name, Destiny. And you're using it two ways.
...
Destiny: I'm actually in a band. My life is music. I'm in an all-girl cover band and we do the Pussycat Girl's songs. And we're called the Pussy Kittens. Can you hook me up with Aldous?
Aaron: Sure.
Destiny: Cool.
[Destiny is on top of Aaron lying on a bed and she lifts up skirt]
Aaron: Okay, what are you doing? What? Don't do that.
Destiny: I feel like I want to show you something.
Aaron: I feel like I don't want to see it, though. All right! Hey! So that's your vagina. Right on.
Destiny: No, but look at it! Look at the hair. Look at the pubic hair! It's... Yeah, it's a microphone. For my work. Hello. Testing, one, two, three! Is this thing on? Hello?
Aaron: Hey, so put that away, all right?
Destiny: Do you want to sing hair-aoke?
Aaron: I'm okay. I'm all right. Oh, my God.
Destiny: I think you're really sexy because you look like Dennis Quaid.
Aaron: What? Really? Randy Quaid, maybe.
Destiny: Pants off!
Aaron: No!
Destiny: Off with the pants. Honestly... Pants-off party!
Aaron: You're acting crazy! Stop. No!
Destiny: Hello.
Aaron: All right. Fun and games are over. Let's relax for a second. Let's just, let's just... [Destiny produces a dildo from her purse] You carry that around with you?
Aaron: Stop! When's the last time you Purell-d that thing?
Destiny: Kiss it. You like it.
Aaron: I want to go home!
Destiny: This is going inside of you!
Aaron: No! Get off of me! What are you doing? Oh, my God! Why does this keep happening to me?
Destiny: Just relax.
Aaron: No!
Destiny: Take your medicine. Yes, yes.
Aaron: Why does it have balls?
...
Jonathan: That was really nice. No, it's really nice, you know, playing together like that.
Aldous: Yeah.
Jonathan: We should do it more often.
Aldous: We should, Dad.
Jonathan: Yeah, you know, there's a ballroom space opening up at the Golden Nugget. I know the owner a bit, you know? I could hook you up with a permanent gig there. We could make loads of dough. Well, they're all doing it, you know. Cher. Celine Dion. Elton John.
Aldous: If you want money from me, Dad, just ask.
Jonathan: I don't want your fucking money, do I? I just want to help your fucking career, don't I?
Aldous: My career don't need help. Really?
Jonathan: Your last record, you know how many it sold? Don't need help? You sure fucking do.
Aldous: So you know the precise sales figures for me last album. When was me birthday? Surprise me. Now, look, look... When was me birthday?
Jonathan: Aldy, Aldy, Aldy! You never would have made it without me.
Aldous: I did make it without you. I made it in spite of you.
Jonathan: You inherited all your musical talent from me! I wrote all your songs from the tip of my cock.
Aldous: Right. That's it. So, like, I've been plagiarizing from your ball bag.
Jonathan: Where does the DNA come... Where does your talent come from?
Aldous: Here. Brilliant bit of biology, Dad. Yeah, I think that's what Darwin discovered on the Galapagos Isles. That music can be written in someone's spunk.
Jonathan: I'm talking fucking facts.
Aaron: I think I've just been raped.
Aldous: What's that?
Aldous: Raped? Here you go, mate. [Holds up a joint] That'll take the edge off. [Hands joint to Jonathan] Yeah, give him that. Make yourself useful.
Jonathan: [Jonathan hands joint to Aaron] Here you go.
Aaron: All right? What is this?
Aldous: It's called a Jeffrey, Aaron. Bit of this, bit of that.
Jonathan: Here. Have a look. Have a look at this. [Shows a picture of Aldous as a youth] Aldous Snow wasn't always so pretty, was he, eh?
Aldous: What are you showing him that for, Dad? Why do you carry that photograph?
Jonathan: Remember when we used to box? You used to get in the ring, wheezing around. Do you remember?
Aaron: Hey, what's in this? My heart's starting to beat really fast.
Aldous: It's weed mostly. Sergio gave it to me. It's got a bit of opium in it. Some heroin. Crunched-up E's. Clorox. Methadone. Subutex. Morphine. Peyote. Some other stuff that's unidentifiable, and I think a little bit of angel dust, actually, if I'm not mistaken. You know, bit of glue for...
Jonathan: Yeah. You know...
Aldous: Keep it traditional. It's like a drug Neapolitan. Oh, my God, look at his little boat. What a lovely little boat race. [Holds up phone] Yeah, let me get a shot of that. Hold it, hold it. Cheese! [Takes Aaron's picture] I'll never tire of looking at that git.
Aaron: Why the fuck is it called a Jeffrey?
Aldous: 'Cause who could be scared of a Jeffrey?
Jonathan: Yeah, Jeffrey's just this nice bloke from down the road, isn't he?
Aaron: What's wrong with you?
Aldous: "Hello, I'm Jeffrey! "
Jonathan: "I've just moved in. Yes, I'm Jeffrey. Jeffrey. Jeffrey, Jeffrey."
Aldous: "My wife has got varicose veins!"
Aaron: I'm having a heart attack. I'm having a heart attack.
Aldous: You're not having a heart attack, Aaron.
Jonathan: I think he might be having a heart attack.
Aldous: He's not. He's all right. Oh, no. Don't wind him up.
Aaron: I'm having a heart attack.
Jonathan: He is. He's having a heart attack.
Aaron: I'm telling you. Listen to your dad! He's right!
Aldous: He's not having a heart attack.
Jonathan: He looks like he's having a heart attack, doesn't he?
Aldous: Aaron, come with me, mate. Just get away from him. He's an idiot. It's all right. Just take deep breaths. In through your nose, out through your mouth. In through your nose, out through your mouth. That's what you need to do. Come here. We're together, mate, all right? I shouldn't have given you the Jeffrey. That was a mistake. I'm so sorry. But relax now. It's over. Everything is beautiful. The world is beautiful. Everything is cool. Look around us, we're... Look at that, look. Look at these. [Spots an ant on a wall and picks it off to show Aaron] Look at this tiny, simple beauty of this tiny little ant. Isn't that lovely? See? We're at one with that. So lovely. It's nice, beautiful. Isn't it beautiful? And lovely, and wonderful, and pure and... [Aldous deliberately inhales the ant and Aaron whimpers in fear] I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I shouldn't have done that. No. I'm on the Jeffrey, too. Now just breathe deeply. Okay. Okay. That won't last. No. That's the joy of the Jeffrey, you see. It goes away, but then it comes back! Don't worry. It doesn't do that. You're gonna be okay. Don't listen to him, don't listen to him. Here. Put your hand here. Just touch the furry wall. Stay with me. Be calm. Be calm. Just stroke the furry wall. You're with the furry wall. With the furry wall now. Dad! Stop bullying my mate!
Jonathan: You sound just like your mum.
Aldous: Don't talk about my mum.
Sergio: Y'all need to take a hit of this Jeffrey! It'll calm you down!
Jonathan: Sammy's right! Right, I've got a question. She still seeing that soft-dick postman, eh? Or has he left her as well?
Aldous: You're gonna die on your own, old man. You're gonna die and I'm gonna fucking laugh when you die, you old cunt. [Aldous turns and calls to Aaron] Aaron, stop stroking the furry wall! We're going... [Jonathan grabs an acoustic guitar and smashes it on Aldous' back and then bodyslams Aldous on a pool table] Get off!
Aaron: Hey, shouldn't somebody stop this?
Sergio: Feel how good this feels? I'm gonna cover the whole outside of my house in this material.
Jonathan: [Aldous attempts to escape by crawling under a culvert and Jonathan grabs Aldous by the ankles] Come back here. Get back here. Get...
Sergio: My house is gonna look like a fucking werewolf.
Aaron: What the fuck?
Jonathan: Go on, run away!
Aldous: Stop chasing me!
Sergio: See, Aaron? The plan is working. This is what old pussy used to look like in the '70s. I miss that.
Aldous: You're a very bad parent! [Aldous punches Jonathan in the face]
Jonathan: I'll show you bad, eh? [He draws a pistol]
Aldous: What are you doing?
Aaron: That's a gun! He's got a gun!
Sergio: Now that's what I'm talking about.
Aldous: Oh, no. Where did that come from? [To Aaron] Hey! Keep stroking the wall! Keep stroking the wall!
Jonathan: That's Jeffrey's gun.
Sergio: No one endangers my artist! [Sergio deflects gun upwards and Jonathan discharges it]
Aaron: Somebody help me, please!
Aldous: I'm coming, Aaron!
Destiny: This is so rock star.
Aaron: I'm having a heart attack! Somebody take me to the hospital! It's on North Casino Way! Calm down. I'm having a heart attack!
Aldous: You're having a heart attack, are you?
Aaron: I am!
Aldous: [Seduced by the furry wall] Jesus! Why can't everything be this simple?
Jonathan: [Throwing a wine bottle] Sergio, fancy a drink, eh? [Sergio takes cover behind a mini fridge door and throws a bottle and Jonathan responds with throwing dishes]
Aldous: Sergio would have made you bring a medical kit.
Aaron: It's over there! It's over there!
Jonathan: [He frisbees a metal casserole dish lid] Fucker. [The lid hits Sergio in the head, knocking him out and Jonathan throws up both hands in celebration] Yeah! I'm okay. Right! [He glances at Sergio again who has strangely disappeared]
Aldous: [Aldous grabs Aaron with medical kit in mouth and manhandling him away and throws him to the floor] Come here! [Gets on top of him]
Aaron: No! No. No.
Aldous: Now I'm gonna stab you in the heart with this adrenaline needle.
Aaron: What? What? [Aldous injects Aaaron] I'm alive!
Sergio: [Sergio grabs Jonathan by ankles and drags him down steps] See if you like this. [Two Pinnacle Records employee appear] Where the hell you been?
Bodyguard: We went to see Cher.
Sergio: Cher? How was it?
Bodyguard: Amazing.
Jonathan: [He lunges at Sergio] This is all your fault! [Aaron lunges at Jonathan who turns around gets scratched in the face] He's fucking Catwoman!
Aldous: [Grabs Aaron and manhandles him away] You're so mean! That's enough!
Jonathan: It's not easy being a parent. [Sergio grabs a lava lamp and smashes it on Jonathan's head] Shit!
Aldous: I'm sorry, pops, you okay? [Sergio throws Jonathan headfirst into a TV screen smashing it and Destiny cheers]
Sergio: [Sergio grabs a hot coal from a pit fire and immediately drops it onto the furry rug, starting a fire] Now, this is what the music industry is all about.
Aaron: Sergio's gone crazy.
Sergio: I love this game!
Aldous: He's Jeffreyed. Let's go! Bye!
Sergio: No, I don't think so. [He then gives chase after Aaron and Aldous down a hallway]
Aaron: This adrenaline's crazy! I've never run so fast in my life!
Aldous: I don't have my luggage!
Aaron: Fuck your luggage! We'll get you new luggage!
Sergio: Where you going? Run all the way back to LA!
Aldous: Sergio is chasing us!
Aaron: This is the longest hallway of all time!
Aldous: It's Kubrickian!
Sergio: You cannot outrun me! I am black!
Aaron and Aldous: Go, go, go, go, go, go, go! Please, driver! Just drive it! Go! Now! Go! Go! Go! Go! Drive! Drive faster! Quickly! Go! Oh, no! Oh, my God! Oh! [Sergio is chasing them along The Strip gets hit by car] Stop, stop! Stop!
Sergio: Why aren't you bitches going? Come on! [He watches Aaron and Aldous drive away] The plan worked! Now that's a mindfuck!
[Aaron and Aldous are riding in the SUV]
Aaron: Aldous? Aldous. Aldous, I can't sleep.
Aldous: The adrenaline'll wear off soon, Aaron. Just be patient. Go back to sleep.
Aaron: I can't sleep, man. This adrenaline is just... It's like coursing through my whole body!
Aldous: Aaron, don't be selfish. I'm really tired. I've had a really difficult few days. Been under a lot of pressure. Just let me relax.
Aaron: No! No!
Aldous: Aaron, you're being strange.
Aaron: No!
Aldous: Aaron, don't be selfish. I'm sleeping.
Aaron: No! You've kept me up for three days, you got me all Jeffreyed up, and you stabbed me in the arm with an adrenaline needle! You're staying up and talking to me!
Aldous: I gave you that adrenaline for your own good. Your life was in jeopardy. I'm like a guardian angel.
Aaron: Your dad. Your dad, man. That sucks. That was crazy, man.
Aldous: He's all right. He's just trying to live his life, isn't he?
Aaron: He's not all right. He uses you. You let people use you. Sooner or later you're gonna be all used up!
Aldous: Yeah, a lot of the time when people are on drugs, they come up with sentimental rubbish. But this is brilliant.
Aaron: Ha, ha. I know you're making fun of me, but I don't care.
Aldous: No, you've made me happy. Just let me sleep now.
Aaron: You know what I'm gonna do when I get home? No, this is good. I'm gonna get on my hands and knees, and I'm gonna beg Daphne to take me back. It's gonna be shameful. But that's what you should do. Because Jackie is your Daphne!
Aldous: I think it's a bit more complicated than that, mate.
Aaron: No. Underneath that hair is a brain and a heart just like mine.
Aldous: No, I think your brain is full of lollipops and rainbows and cheese and wonder. Mine's slightly darker. [Aaron has tightly shut eyes and with cheeks quivering] Aaron, you seem very tense. Stop it. Aaron! You're growling. I don't like your spasm. [Aaron has opened eyes very glazed and unfocused] You're being strange. [Aaron is slamming himself back and forth in seat] Stop it. Stop it. [To driver] Sorry. Sorry.
[Aaron and Aldous arrive in Los Angeles]
Aaron: [Shuts SUV door] Thank you.
[Aaron and Aldous are at The Downtown Standard Hotel restaurant patio]
Aldous: You okay?
Aaron: Yeah. Sorry. I'm just... I'm just really tired.
Aldous: Just get some sleep, Aaron. Go home and sleep, mate, all right?
Aaron: Okay, good. 'Cause if I don't get some sleep, I think I'm gonna throw up.
Aldous: Go home. I'm cool. I'm just gonna be here. I'm just gonna rest, prepare, you know. Prepare for the show.
Aaron: See you in a few hours.
[Aldous arrives at Jackie's residence, knocks on door and she answers]
Aldous: Good morning, beautiful. Fancy an orgasm? 'Cause I knock them out, like, for free.
Jackie: I told you not to come here.
Aldous: It just happened.
Jackie: Get in here, Aldous.
Aldous: Don't be so violent.
...
[Aldous is performing cunilingus on her on a couch with a blanket over his head]
Jackie: I gotta stop now. We're done. All right. [Aldous takes off blanket]
Aldous: Hey. Steady! That's not fair. I haven't finished. I got a busy day!
Jackie: What, you want to have a wank and then just rub my tits or something?
Aldous: No, I don't want to.
Jackie: Please?
Aldous: I'm not 12.
Jackie: Please?
Aldous: I don't want to rub your tits and wank.
Jackie: I'll tell you a sexy story.
Aldous: Jackie! Darling. That's not fair. That's not equal. Reason within.
Jackie: What about a BJ? Just a quick one.
Aldous: Will you do my balls as well?
Jackie: Yeah, fuck, all right.
Aldous: Will you put your fingers up my bottom?
Jackie: All right, yeah. Later. What are you even doing here, Aldous? Why are you in LA?
Aldous: I'm here because I've been thinking about you the last few days. I want to be with you, Jackie. I know that now.
Jackie: You on a Jeffrey?
Aldous: Yeah.
Aldous: I'm not partying anymore. I'm in a clean zone. I have been for a while.
Jackie: Well, that's perfect, because... I'm actually a different person. A very different person.
Aldous: I want to be clean with you. You're the love of my life.
Jackie: Aldous, I've been doing kabbalah. It's an ancient religion. It's brought to light all the mistakes that I've made. For all those mistakes, I am sorry.
Aldous: Don't be sorry. Let's get married. I love you.
Jackie: Yeah, and I was going to get married, but then you went to rehab for methamphetamine, I was taking a lot of E, and we had to reschedule.
Aldous: Come off, 'cause that's not important.
Jackie: Aldous! This has been the best four months of my life. I've realized you aren't capable of happiness. It's why your music's so shit. It's been years since I've seen you laugh or cry in a real way. You just numb yourself with drugs.
Aldous: I was clean for seven years...
Jackie: And you did yoga for five fucking hours a day! That's mental. There's nothing in this world that you can't turn into heroin. The other day, Lars cried for three hours.
Aldous: Bit indulgent.
Jackie: It was beautiful! And cleansing! And more intimate than anything you and I have ever shared.
Aldous: We share a son. That is a bit more intimate than a crying drummer.
Jackie: Naples is not your son.
Aldous: Yes, he is. Yes, he... Jackie, why... Don't say things like that in an argument, 'cause, like, you can't come back from that. That's horrible.
Jackie: He's not. Do you remember that photographer, Fernando? Do you remember when Fernando and I went and spent that month together in Naples? I'm so sorry, Aldous. I was 19 at the time, and I was so in love with you, and I thought you would break it off with me, and then you turned out to be such a good father. And then he just kept looking more and more Italian. I'm so sorry. I'm so sorry. I'm so glad we finally got to have this conversation, darling. Namaste.
Aldous: This is not an appropriate time to say namaste.
...
Aldous: Yeah. Naples?
Naples: Yeah?
Aldous: One day you'll have to find a wife or a partner.
Naples: Yeah, I know that.
Aldous: Don't choose a woman like your mother.
Naples: What do you mean?
Aldous: I mean, your mother is a wonderful mother, but she is a terrible human being.
Naples: Are you sure of that?
Aldous: Well, yeah, because if she wasn't terrible, Naples, why would she have torn my heart up?
Naples: Why are you so moody today?
Aldous: I'm not moody. I'm just... I'm all right. Do you love me?
Naples: I do love you, Dad. I do love you, Aldous. Why do I have to call you Aldous? You are my dad. Aldous. Dad. Aldous. Dad.
Aldous: Right. I'll see you later. [They hug]
Naples: See you tomorrow, Dad.
Aldous: Good boy.
...
Naples: You gonna be okay, Aldous?
Aldous: Yeah, yeah, I'll be fine. I'll forget that the last seven years has happened.
Lars: Aldous!
Aldous: Hello. Enter Sandman.
Lars: Babe? We should really get back to Naples. He's waiting back there for us.
Aldous: So why don't you go and sue Napster, you little Danish twat?
[Answering machine plays]
Sergio: Aaron! This is Sergio! Where the fuck are you guys? And why the fuck aren't you answering your phone? I'm answering my phone, and I just got hit by a motherfucking car!
[Aaron is putting out romantic touches and Daphne enters the house]
Aaron: Hi. Before you say anything just let me talk, okay? You were right. We broke off our relationship without really thinking about it. And I've learned over the past few days that life is mainly filled with superficial surface encounters. And I realize now how wonderful it is, what we have. I'm begging you to take me back. I'm sorry.
Daphne: Did you hook up with anyone while you were gone?
Aaron: You mean surface encounters?
[Aldous knocks on door]
Daphne: What is he doing here?
Aaron: What the fuck is he doing here? I'll get rid of him, all right?
Daphne: Did you invite him?
Aaron: [Opens door and lets Aldous in] Hey, man. What are you doing here?
Aldous: Just went and saw Jackie. She's marrying Lars Ulrich now, and Naples ain't really my son. I remember thinking, "What bad advice." Thank you, Aaron. So, this is what you live in. You're Daphne then? Dr. Daphne? You know, when you hear about someone and then you meet them? That's happening now. I've walked in the middle of a romantic reconciliation?
Daphne: No. No, no, no. Definitely not. [Aldous walks over to a couch and sits really comfortably]
Aldous: Why is it so tense? Is it because he had sex with other people when he was working with me?
Aaron: I think that's something we should... We're gonna discuss privately.
Daphne: Yes. I would like to talk about it. I am upset. I am pissed. [She sits in a chair in front of Aldous really formally]
Aldous: Why are you so cross, Daphne?
Daphne: Because he broke my trust. We were barely broken up for a day and he went and cheated on me.
Aaron: I didn't enjoy it, okay? [He sits in a chair also formally]
Aldous: What I think, Daph, is that human beings by their nature are polygamous. It's against nature to be with one person. It never works.
Daphne: Yeah. Or you think it's working, and then it turns out he's cheating on you with a bunch of hos and skanks. [Aldous pointing at Aaron twice]
Aaron: I personally think that monogamy can work given the right circumstance.
Aldous: Aaron, why have you chosen to put yourself in this ideological prison? You don't need these unnecessary restrictions. Unless you get rid of them, you just can't progress.
Daphne: What kind of sexual restrictions? 'Cause in nature, there's everything from polygamy to, like, a threesome. What...
Aldous: Threesome. Well, I mean, a threesome is something that's possible right now. You know, the three of us could have a threesome. Hypothetically. We've got the utensils. There's three of us.
Aaron: Okay, that's funny. Yeah, we're gonna do a threesome. Let's just get naked and start fucking right here.
Daphne: We should do it. We should have a threesome.
Aaron: Wait, what? I don't... What?
Daphne: Come on. Let's have a threesome.
Aaron: No, thanks. I don't... I'm all right, thank you.
Daphne: So you get to mess around on the road, and because I'm a woman, I don't get to have any fun? You had your turn. It's my turn now. I would like to have a threesome, please.
Aldous: Don't think of it as a threesome. Think of it as having sex with your girlfriend while someone else also has sex with your girlfriend.
Daphne: I think it'd be fun. We should do a threesome.
Aaron: What are you doing?
Aldous: We are pre-negotiating a threesome.
Daphne: Pre-negotiated. And agreed upon. I'm fucking psyched!
Aldous: So, Aaron, Daphne, shall we play doctor?
Aaron: I'm not sucking his dick, that's like 100%.
...
Aldous: [Starts playing ipod playlist and watching Aaron and Daphne on bed standing with plate of strawberries] Just relax. Just relax and listen to Mariah. [Daphne leans in to kiss Aaron] That's good. Aaron, look at her. Aaron, look at Daphne.
Aaron: Put those strawberries down. They're not for you.
Aldous: Come on, mate, don't be tight. We share everything now.
Daphne: Okay, I'm gonna kiss Aldous now, okay? Yeah. Yeah. Is that okay?
Aaron: Yeah, it's totally cool. Okay. Great.
Daphne: [Aldous is performing cunilingus] Oh, my God! Oh, fuck! Oh, my God!
Aldous: [He's on top of her in bed and Aaron is bathroom watching] Daphne?
Daphne: Yeah?
Aldous: Are you ready?
Daphne: Yeah, I'm ready.
Aldous: You sure you want to do this?
Daphne: Okay, I'm gonna kiss Aldous now, okay? Yeah. Yeah. Is that okay?
Aaron: Fuck! [Aaron walks over, grabs Aldous and kisses him passionately]
Aldous: What are you doing? What are you doing? Aaron, no. What? What are you doing? I'm just having a threesome! I'm just having fun! Come on!
Aaron: [Aaron grabs Aldous' genitals] Enough with these rules and restrictions, right? Come on!
Aldous: Unleash that! This is the emperor! Release him!
Daphne: Aaron, don't do that!
Aldous: You need to look at yourselves. Honestly, this isn't how people live.
Aaron: What the fuck are we doing?
Daphne: I don't know. What are we doing? I don't want to do this.
Aaron: I don't want this, either. Like, at all.
Daphne: I am so sorry, Aaron. How did this happen?
Aaron: You kind of insisted, but whatever. Wow. That was insane. What was I thinking?
Aldous: I think I've misjudged the dynamic. You've been wonderful hosts. Particularly you.
Daphne: [Checks cellphone] Oh, God, I'm on call. Jesus Christ. [She gets up and leaves]
Aaron: Nothing you say makes any sense! Okay? I understand that now. You're just a fucking junkie.
Aldous: And you're smart, so you make your insanity sound good, but it's bullshit. This is it, Aaron. This is rock and roll. Did you enjoy the party?
Aaron: You're sick in the fucking head! You messed your own life up and now you have to mess up mine, too? We're done here? Get out of my apartment.
Aldous: Thanks for the hospitality.
Daphne: [All dressed in hospital scrubs] Bye.
Aaron: Where are my boxers?
[Talking to his mother while at Venice Beach]
Aldous: So I might not do the Greek. You know, the show at the Greek. The concert. I might not do it.
Lena: Oh, dear. That's a shame.
Aldous: Can you say something reassuring to me? Say that reassuring thing that mums say to their son?
Lena: You... No, you... You stay chipper. And don't get down. And when you get back, I'll make you some shortbread or...
Aldous: All right, well, I think everything's gonna be all right. Anyway, I just wanted you to know that I love you, Mum.
Lena: Stay chipper. All right, darling? Bye-bye.
[Aaron is watching television]
TV announcer: Coming up later... The 10-year anniversary of Aldous Snow's seminal concert at the Greek. Live in Los Angeles. But now, Bill Maher, Red, White and Spew. [Aaron reads phone text message from Sergio in his voice] "Where the fuck are you? I am gonna kill you. Smiley face."
Aaron: Fuck him. [Puts down phone]
[Aaron is at kitchen table reading newspaper with page promoting Greek concert]
TV announcer: Broadcasting live from the Greek, your Uncle Joe. The crowd is amped! Aldous Snow, the most self-destructive man in rock and roll, not yet in the building. Well, there'll be a lot of Infant Sorrow...
Aldous: [From answering machine] Aaron? It's me. I really need to apologize and to tell you that I'm gonna jump off the roof of the Standard Hotel now.
Aaron: Fuck him.
Aldous: If you're not busy...
Aaron: Shit! [He is driving erratically at high speed] Shit, shit, shit, shit.
...
Aldous: Hello, Los Angeles! Should I jump into the pool? Or how about into the street?
Aaron: Hey, Aldous, it's Aaron! Get down! I'm here! I'm here, get down from there! Hey, Aldous, I'm here! Hey! Hey, Aldous, don't jump!
Aldous: Hi, Aaron!
Aaron: Just come down and we'll talk about it! You made it! No, stop!
Partygoer: He's gonna jump!
Aaron: Don't do it! No, stop! No, no, no! No, no, no! [Aldous jumps into pool hitting shoulder on pool edge] Aldous! Aldous!
Aldous: My arm. Aaron.
Aaron: Are you okay, man? You...
Aldous: Aaron, it was wrong of me to have sex with you and your girlfriend, Daphne. That wasn't fair.
Aaron: No, no, that's okay.
Aldous: We don't have to talk about it. I done it for me. I done it for my selfish reasons.
Aaron: I know, but fine. Whatever. Just... I don't wanna... Are you okay?
Aldous: I'm lonely, mate. I'm really lonely. And I'm sad. And I ain't got no one, except my mum. And she's an idiot. And now I'm crying in front of you, and you thought I was cool, didn't you, for a while, and now I'm crying. I'm embarrassed. Embarrassed.
Aaron: You try so hard, man.
Aldous: But you're fine.
Aaron: You're Aldous Snow, man. You make people happy by doing what you love to do. You make people happy by doing what you love to do. And that's fucking awesome. There's thousands of people in a room right now just standing, waiting to see your face. And they like you. I liked you before I met you.
Aldous: Don't you like me no more?
Aaron: Aldous, I came here. I'm here.
Aldous: Right. I want to do the gig. I'm gonna... I'll do the gig. I'm gonna do it.
Aldous: No, I didn't mean that. I don't think that we... Let's go.
Aaron: We shouldn't go.
Aldous: No, we should do it. Let's go. Let's do it. I don't want to let people down who love me.
Aaron: Not tonight.
Aldous: Let's go. Let's do it.
Aaron: I'm pretty sure if you don't go to a hospital, you're going to die.
Aldous: I want to go to the Greek Theatre and I want to save your job, and I want to perform for my fans and do something that ain't selfish, 'cause this is not working for me as a lifestyle choice.
Aaron: You sure you're okay? 'Cause it looks like Jaws just bit your ass off.
Aldous: Yeah. Little bit of blood makes a really big cloud.
...
[Aaron is speeding while driving]
Aaron: This is a bad idea. We should not be doing this.
Aldous: Yes, we should. This is a good idea. Although, my arm is hurting a little bit. I sustained an injury.
[Holds up arm with bone sticking out of gaping wound]
Aaron: Oh, my God! Oh, my God! That's bone. I'm taking you to the hospital, Aldous. I'm taking you to the hospital, all right, man?
Aldous: Not tonight. This is rock and roll. Touch it.
Aaron: That is so fucking... [ He projectile vomits onto windshield]
Aldous: Don't overreact.
Aaron: I fucking threw up.
Aldous: I told you don't freak out.
Aaron: Get that fucking arm out of my face! I fucking threw up!
...
[Aaron and Aldous arrive at Greek Theatre and Sergio greets them]
Sergio: Yes, yes, yes! I knew you would make it. I love you!
Aldous: Sergio. [Holds up wounded arm]
Sergio: Shit!
Kali: No! We should take him to the hospital.
Sergio: No. Come on, let's get him into wardrobe. Don't worry about it. Let's get him out to the audience there. The audience is getting restless, but you're here. You are here.
Aaron: Hey, look, we should talk.
Sergio: What's up?
Aaron: He's like, really, really hurt.
Sergio: What are you talking about? He's here. He's all right. It's just a little scratch. There's a teeny-weeny bone sticking out!
Aaron: He can't go on.
Sergio: What the fuck? Hold on. We have something for that. Give him two of these. He'll be singing like Aretha Franklin.
Aaron: I can't do this anymore.
Sergio: What the fuck you talking about, you can't do it anymore? You, you got him here! You've done it!
Aaron: He doesn't need to be pushed on the stage right now. I...
Sergio: Sometimes we gotta sacrifice one lamb, baby. It's gonna be all right. He's not gonna die!
Aaron: You keep feeding him drugs and lies. He's a sad guy. He needs help.
Sergio: He's gonna live a long time. Trust me. British motherfuckers don't die. You ever heard of a fucking... A British rock and roll star dying? No, none of them die. Mick Jagger. Keith Richards. Those Led Zeppelin... Them motherfuckers old as fuck! Fucking Ozzy Osbourne's gonna outlive Miley Cyrus!
Aaron: I quit.
Sergio: Hey, come on! Why do you even have me feeling like this? This is supposed to be fun!
Aaron: I fucking quit.
Sergio: Aaron, get back here!
...
Aaron: Aldous! You don't have to go out there. You don't have to do this anymore!
Aldous: I don't know what all the fuss was about. I love doing this!
Aaron: You don't have to do this.
Aldous: I do, Aaron. They're all here to see me. I feel nervous. It's good to feel something. I love this! It's all I've got. And you. I owe you one, mate. See you on the other side. [Singing] Like water through a drain I'm spinning down, down, down Down, down, down Like the needle in my vein You're bringing me down, down, down Down, down, down Like a dog who's gone insane You're putting me down, down, down, down, down, down. And those of you who doubted me You're going down, down, down Down, down, down. And the record man who never called can you hear what's going on? I'm coming up, I'm coming up, I'm coming up, I'm coming up. And this world ain't gonna catch me going down. Another night, you're on my mind I'm hypnotized but I cannot find the signs. The signs for the Tube to come home. I need the Tube to get home. Another night I'm here alone. My eyes so tired from staring at this phone. Why won't you call and come home? Please, call and come home. And I know that you won't come. Just for the cash. But will you come for my bangers. My beans and mash? Another night in Soho Grand. My wrists so tired. From working with my hands. Why has the world gone so still? The world is so still I feel that my next meal might be my last. Will you come for my bangers My beans and mash? Come for my bangers My beans and mash.
[Aaron climbs into bed with Daphne]
Daphne: Aaron?
Aaron: Listen... Don't say anything.
...
Daphne: Oh, my God. We slept for, like, 14 hours.
Aaron: Wow. I feel so much better now.
Daphne: Me, too.
Aaron: Do you want to get some brunch? We should probably burn these sheets, huh?
Daphne: Yeah. I can get some bleach from the hospital.
Aaron: Maybe just torch the whole apartment. You got it?
Daphne: Yeah.
[Aldous is hosting and guest-starring on VH1's Storytellers six months after the Greek concert]
Aldous: All right. Thank you. Thank you. You sound sarcastic now. Cheers, cheers. Welcome back to Storytellers. Yeah, I've been sober now for six months. So that's positive. Thank you. Thanks. It's lovely to be applauded for being in recovery by people who I can see are on drugs. I can see some of you are literally on drugs now, aren't you? Here with us in the audience is my dear friend and collaborator, Aaron Green. Stand up, Aaron! Yes. We have a working relationship. He's my producer. He's got a label. How are you? What are you wearing? Is this 'cause you live in Seattle? You think, "Oh, I'm grunge." Is that what it is? You look like a lesbian.
Aaron: Sing the song.
Aldous: Sit down, Aaron. Thank you. That is Aaron Green. Round of applause. All right. But also here is my lad. You all right, sunshine? Naples is here. You all right, mate?
Naples: I'm fine, Daddy.
Aldous: Yeah. See, he still calls me daddy. He was my son for a while, but due to my complicated sex life, it turns out it's best just to think of him as a tiny associate. Also, also he's quite mature. He's more mature than me. Do you love me?
Naples: Uh, yeah.
Aldous: Don't think that long! It doesn't mean anything! So, all right. And my mum's here as well. You all right, Mum? You all right, darling? Well, hey, listen, I wanna... Jeez, I'm sidetracked. So, let's get on with the... Let's do this song. It's important for a number of reasons, but the most important thing is that it was a hit. Thank the fucking Lord. [Singing] Yeah. When the world slips you a Jeffrey. Stroke the furry wall. Stroke the furry wall. Furry walls, don't bring me down. Furry walls, please stay around. [Repeatedly] Furry walls..., kiss me to sleep. Furry walls, please help me leap. [Repeatedly] Furry walls..., can take you on a magic carpet ride. Furry walls surround you till you got no place to hide. Let your furry fingers be your guide. Furry walls, turn out the light. Furry walls, please stay the night. Furry walls, furry walls, furry walls, let's have a taste, furry walls, sit on my face. Furry walls, furry walls. Maybe I'm in heaven with the furry skies above. All around are furry clouds Look, here's a furry dove. Let me stroke your furry walls of love.
...
Aldous: [Singing] Little bird, drink the champagne from my lips. Take a flying saucer trip to the stars in my eyes. Little bird Sitting on the tip of my tongue. Though you look a bit too young. Could be the stars in my eyes. Your words, like butterflies dance around my head your body, like forbidden wine. Spills out of my bed. Hope your daddy doesn't mind. Hope your mummy doesn't mind Hope your granny doesn't mind. Hope your grandpa doesn't mind. Little bird. Brand new galaxies await you. Open up and let me take you to the stars. Your words, like butterflies, dance around my head. Your body, like forbidden wine spills out of my bed. Hope your daddy doesn't mind. Hope your mummy doesn't mind. Hope your granny doesn't mind. Hope your grandpa doesn't mind. Hope your daddy doesn't mind. Hope your mummy doesn't mind. Hope your daddy doesn't mind. Hope your mummy doesn't mind. Little bird, little bird, little bird. Yeah, yeah! Oi, oi! Put your dominant hand up high. Reach your dominant hand in the sky. Yeah, yeah! Oi, oi! Put your hand up for sex. For me and me helmet and wherever it winds up next Yeah, yeah! Oi, oi! Put your hand up for our Queen for shagging five birds in the back of me limousine. I feel particularly in tune with the cosmos, I feel in tune with you tonight. Yeah, yeah! Oi, oi! Put your hand up for love While snogging down south While jiggling up above Yeah, yeah! Oi, oi! Put your dominant hand up high! Put your dominant hand! Tonight! Unity! Yeah, yeah Oi, oi, unity! And love! Yeah, yeah! Oi, oi! Put your hand up for tea For separation of Church and State and me! Yeah, yeah! Oi, oi! Put your dominant hand up high! Put your dominant leg! I feel particularly in tune with the cosmos! I feel in tune with you tonight! Yeah, yeah! Oi, oi! Put your dominant hand up high to the sky!
...
[Post credits scene]
Sergio: [Facing viewer] Go home. Get the fuck out the theater. The movie's over.

Cast

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